Smile, even though your heart is breaking.

I'm 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I also think that I'm experiencing a miscarriage. How am I supposed to feel? I'm 39 years old, I have a good career and I already have two beautiful children. I know I'm lucky and need to count my blessings, but I can also feel my heart breaking. 

The doctor on the phone earlier asked me if this is a wanted baby. Yes, was my only reply. Yes I want this baby. It may have been a surprise at first, but lets be honest, we know how these things happen. If I hadn't wanted this baby my husband and I would have done things differently. For a long time I've felt like I'm not quite done having children. I love my boys so much and know that although a third baby can be a game changer in terms of more kids than hands and the need to get a new car and to put the career plan on hold a little longer...it's, at it's purest, another baby to hold and love, to watch them grow old and hold close with all your heart. 

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. It took me a long time to get over that one. In some ways I still haven't. I thought I'd be able to handle it better if it ever happened again, especially now I have two beautiful healthy boys, but, truth be told. It isn't any easier. 

This may be TMI but I am now scared to go to the toilet and look down. Every wipe feels like it's erasing the life that was inside me. A life I so desperately want to hold and take care of. 

If anyone has any words of wisdom, please pass them on. How can I make this hurt less? I have a hospital appointment tomorrow. I have to go alone because of the current Coronavirus situation, as if being alone at this time will be easy because of the environment. Like I'll be able to cope with it better. I won't be able to cope with it. When they put that heartbeat tracker on my abdomen and there's no response I'm going to shatter. 

I've seen stories that this happens, it doesn't mean the baby is gone - but I don't think I'm one of those lucky people. I'm generally a lucky person, but not when it comes to bleeding in pregnancy. I didn't bleed with either of my boys. I remember the bleeding with the miscarriage though. Saying goodbye to what could have been. The hormonal shit-storm that followed and the need to do something positive to turn something so horrendous into a better experience. That's when I handed in my notice and booked a trip around the world. I can't do that this time. I'm nearly 8 years older for a start with little people I'm responsible for. I have to smile for them. 

Right now I don't feel like I'll ever smile again. I know, I know, see how tomorrow goes. Then I can say goodbye properly. Maybe I'll shock the hell out of myself and everything will be fine. 

Who the hell knows. 

Smile to warm the world

The world has never been a safe place. The problem is now we all know it. You can’t turn on the TV in the morning without being presented with a world of fear and hate. Shootings of black men. Retaliation shootings of police officers.

I have a beautiful baby boy and I want him to grow up in a world full of love and support. Why should colour matter? It doesn’t. We are all different, whatever colour we are. And conversely, as we are all different we are therefore all the same. Perfectly flawed and therefore perfectly human. Imperfectly perfect.

Hug a human. Hug each other. Or if you’re not into invading personal space, just a smile. A hello. Warm up your facial expressions and you warm up the world, just a little. But your smile can warm someone’s day, and in turn that warmth may entice them to warm up someone else’s day, and exponentially it will grow to create a more supportive nation, a more tolerant world.

Whoever you are, I love you. I love that one day you may meet my son and warm his day with your smile, even if just in passing. I hope he and you will be free to wander the globe and that you may meet in passing. Know that through him he carries my love and devotion, so when he smiles at you, he is passing a little of that to you. Please smile back at him – keep the warmth going, make his day and by doing so, you’ll make mine and hopefully yours.

With hope and affection, go forth and smile.

Week 14 - Fairy Light First

The Christmas decorations are up and I'm taking every opportunity to show our little boy the delights of the warm golden fairy lights on the tree and the multi-coloured lights adorning our bushes outside. He is already growing out of the festive onesies family and friends have kindly given him . He's not even 4 months old yet and the feet of the 3-6 month suits are too small for him. This is one long boy!

Rolling over?
Not yet and does not seem have any inclination to.

Crawling?
His legs move in the right motion when he's having tummy time, but he doesn't lift himself up enough to move, although his head is always fully up. He's got the right moves instinctually, but not enough strength to push his stomach up off the floor. 

Sounds
Noooo, wooooahhhhh, uhh, ahhhh, elloo (pretty sure this last one is hello - we say the word to him often enough!)

Actions
Holding on to teddies/dummies and able to lift and move them around. Grabs onto my fingers when I put my hand in front of him, fingers splayed. He grabs onto areas of my skin, like my arms and really digs his nails in - reminding me he needs his nails cut often! Holds his head up fully now. Does not need to be supported. He's a calm soul and happy to spend time with other people.

Teething?
He stuffs both his hands into his mouth and rubs his gums, but he hasn't shown signs of pain or discomfort yet. Blows lots of bubbles.

Feeding
Normally fully breast-fed but last night my husband and I had our first date-night (to see the new Star Wars movie) so the little one was bottle fed pre-made formula. It definitely affects his stomach. I should have expressed, but didn't plan it in properly and ended up going from 5.30pm - 2.30am without feeding/expressing...they were like rocks!! On a typical night he'll feed before he sleeps, then wake around 2.30am and 6.30am.

Facial Expressions
Lots of smiling, looking directly in your eyes and cocked eyebrows. His face is so expressive I don't really need to know what he's thinking...his face says it all!He loves looking at faces and will smile unprompted.


Routine
He's building his own routine, waking at 6.30am for a feed, change and quick play, before going back to sleep for between an hour and three. Then it's always feed, change and play (not necessarily in that order) before another nap. He tends to stay awake longer between naps in the evening, when he's most vocal, but we get most smiles in the morning. He normally wants to be in his crib by about 9.30pm and falls asleep without much fuss.

Me
I still feel like me. I went into work this week and it was great to see old colleagues to wish them a Merry Christmas and take in cards, but I'm not ready to go back yet. I've never been in this situation before, so I'd like to take off as much time as I can, after all, I'll never get this time back with my son again. I'm fully intending to go back though, after all, I worked hard for my career and I'm not ready to give it up just yet. I just need to make sure I find a great person to look after my son, I'll let you know how that search goes.

The Early Weeks

It had been my intention to blog on each week in turn - but being a new mum got in the way of that. I can honestly say I've marveled at every change over the last three months - becoming a mum for the first time has made me question why I didn't do it sooner. But I realise, now was absolutely the best time for us. We're not rich, but we're happy and in love and I hope our little one realises that. I think he does, he certainly seems content.

It was challenging at first. Breastfeeding took a while to establish - I kept moving myself to him rather than bringing him to me, which was starting to severely hurt my back. But I kept at it, found good positions (for me and the many pillows I employ for this purpose) and eventually it got easier. I used the rugby ball position at first, but as he's grown, lying across me works best. We can now manage 5 hours between feeds at night, but I still wake up regularly if I hear him rooting for his dummy - giving it to him quick sharp always soothes him back to a deep sleep. In the beginning he woke to feed every one to two hours which was exhausting, but I learnt how to feed lying down and that helped me to relax a bit.

Our first trips out were always with the help of friends and family, but now I'm confident to go out with him on my own.

The hardest thing was feeling I should be doing things around the house - cleaning, cooking and the like but some days I forgot to eat and drink, or rather, couldn't leave the sofa as I had thought the little one would hate it if I left him alone and I couldn't bear to hear him cry for more than a couple of minutes. I bored myself silly with daytime TV until I realised -this time wouldn't last forever - so I might as well enjoy it and watch DVDs I'd been meaning to. Taking a couple of minutes to prepare the DVD player the night before helped. I knew I'd be glued to the sofa feeding and comforting the little one all day (especially during cluster feeds), so I might as well entertain myself with things on my 'yet to see' list.

Over time (by about week 8) I managed to place him in the crib downstairs long enough to make a cup of tea or do the washing up. It felt incredibly liberating but also lonely at the same time - but soon enough he'd cry for me to pick him up again and I must confess it felt good to be needed. However, quickly (we're now on week 14) he got used to being put down, either in the crib, in a triangular (L-shaped) pillow or in the old-fashioned sling chair that my husband used to be in when he was a baby, and now I can spend decent stretches of time having a tidy up, cooking, or organising the paper work (been meaning to do that for years) - always singing to him, making sure he's ok, chatting with him, or making sure he's comfortable when sleeping of course. He's a happy and contented baby so I figure I must be doing something right.

We have a good routine - sleep, feed, change, play, sleep and it works really well. He has time lying on a blanket on the floor so he can kick about. He also has tummy time and I swear he's pushing himself around just through sheer will. He can hold his head up off the floor for long stretches and he adores it when I sing to him and he'll sing along with me - especially when there's a 'woaaahh woaaahhh' in the chorus. The first time he realised he could sing in tune was a cracker and yesterday he surprised himself by actually laughing. He was so shocked he hasn't done it since! But I know it's only a matter of time.

I'm fitting a lot into one blog, but I'll try to specify new things that happen each week now that I may actually have time to write, considering I'm not needed to be constantly at his side, but I'm never far away. I physically couldn't have managed this sooner - it's been exhausting but so wonderful. But I'm determined to get my life in order before I go back to work, so when I'm back and my home time is limited, I'll have established bullet-proof routines so I can have maximum quality time with my little boy. I'm not looking forward to being away from him, but needs must. At least I have a few months left to get things in order, so I'll document his growth, and my progress on organisation and de-cluttering here, to achieve as much of a stress-free home life as possible.

Labour Fears Unfounded

It was no secret among my friends and family that I was petrified of giving birth. Ever since my first close friend gave birth about ten years ago, I have heard nothing but horrific labour tales of emergency surgery, extremely long  labours and post labour infections. So much so that I prepared for my labour by writing a list of all my account details and passwords so my husband would be able to deal with our finances 'just in case.' Not very romantic I know, but I was that scared it seemed the only sensible thing to do.

Luckily, in my case, my fears were completely unfounded. Yes, it hurt a bit. Yes, I felt I had to sit on the toilet the whole time (a key indication that you're ready to push apparently) and I wanted it all to be over. But fortunately, it very quickly was. My hospital notes say my gorgeous baby boy was born in one hour and twenty minutes. I'd never imagined that could be the case, but it really was. I'd wanted a water birth, but when I was hooked up for a heart rate for a check before getting in the pool, the midwife calmly announced "Well, you're 10cm dilated, so there'll be no getting in the pool. When you're ready you can start pushing."

Me..."But I've only just come in here"

Her.."Would you like some gas and air?"

Me..."Go on then.."

Me...a little later..."this is good"

Her..."I can see the head, it's a full head of dark hair"

Me..."Oh, it's not going to be ginger then"

Her..."I have the head...stop pushing a second, get your breath then one final push"

Me..."Ok....deep breath....owowowwwwowwwwwwww"

Her..."Here you go" and baby gets lovingly placed on my chest.

Me (to my husband)..."I thought it was going to be harder than that"

Him..."were your professional exams harder?"

Me..."Yes, and cross country at school"

I was overwhelmed with peace and joy, my husband was just plain overwhelmed and couldn't talk on the phone as he made the calls and ended up passing each call to me as he sat there crying with happiness and trying to hold it together.

And that's it, truly. I immediately felt I could do it again, and as I sit here looking at my gorgeous little cherub, quietly snoring and smiling in his sleep beside me, I think I just might.

Cravings

So...to cravings...not so much actually.

Before I knew I was pregnant I went off coffee, tea and chocolate, which should have warned me earlier to my situation really. Pre-pregnancy I could be a 5 coffees a day from the machine at work girl, but I've gone off it completely and haven't had a cup in the last 4.5 months.

Luckily, rather than having cravings as such, I've had more of a penchant for fruit, vegetables and water. Lots and lots of water. Wish this was my natural state, but I'm taking heed and am learning that this is obviously what my body (and the baby needs). I've heard some horror stories of craving coal and sand, so feel incredibly lucky I haven't headed in that direction (at all) yet!

I have however craved something of a non-edible variety...baths and the outdoors. I had a bath nearly every day in the first trimester (my water bill that quarter was astronomical) but now I'm down to about twice a week. Spring has finally sprung so I'm also getting a good dose of sunshine which is amazing considering I was miserable in the winter. I don't know whether I got a worse dose of SAD thanks to the pregnancy, but it certainly didn't get any better. But, spring is definitely here now, the birds are chirping their twilight song and all is well with the world.

Dreaming of a Goldfish...and armageddon

I've always had vivid dreams, but since becoming pregnant they are spectacular. Who needs TV when you can dream an original masterpiece each night?

One dream had me knackered in the morning...for I had spent all night trying to get a suicidal-goldfish to stay in a variety of water-filled containers, but it insisted on jumping out and lying on the floor, only for me to scoop it back up and put it in a new container. I was seriously shattered on waking. Mum thought this was hilarious and that it showed my mothering instincts are coming out already. Dad thought that I'm just feeling like a fish out of water. What do you think?

Last night I dreamt that we having a pic-nic when three balls of flame descended from the sky in the distance, to crash to the earth, with a boom, luckily not near us. For some reason we were then travelling across the bridge back to the UK from Wales (I haven't been to Wales for months), when the bridge was swinging dangerously in a hurricane and the car tyres left the road. I knew we were going to plunge into the water, so I made sure the car door was unlocked, but we managed to fly above the bridge until Dad could land it again. I think this dream was more down to watching a programme about the most-likely movie portrayed disasters that are forecast to end the world, but it was pretty shattering all the same.

It's anyone's guess what will be in my dreams tonight!