Smile, even though your heart is breaking.

I'm 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I also think that I'm experiencing a miscarriage. How am I supposed to feel? I'm 39 years old, I have a good career and I already have two beautiful children. I know I'm lucky and need to count my blessings, but I can also feel my heart breaking. 

The doctor on the phone earlier asked me if this is a wanted baby. Yes, was my only reply. Yes I want this baby. It may have been a surprise at first, but lets be honest, we know how these things happen. If I hadn't wanted this baby my husband and I would have done things differently. For a long time I've felt like I'm not quite done having children. I love my boys so much and know that although a third baby can be a game changer in terms of more kids than hands and the need to get a new car and to put the career plan on hold a little longer...it's, at it's purest, another baby to hold and love, to watch them grow old and hold close with all your heart. 

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. It took me a long time to get over that one. In some ways I still haven't. I thought I'd be able to handle it better if it ever happened again, especially now I have two beautiful healthy boys, but, truth be told, it isn't any easier. 

This may be TMI but I am now scared to go to the toilet and look down. Every wipe feels like it's erasing the life that was inside me. A life I so desperately want to hold and take care of. 

If anyone has any words of wisdom, please pass them on. How can I make this hurt less? I have a hospital appointment tomorrow. I have to go alone because of the current Coronavirus situation, as if being alone at this time will be easy because of the environment. Like I'll be able to cope with it better. I won't be able to cope with it. When they put that heartbeat tracker on my abdomen and there's no response I'm going to shatter. 

I've seen stories that this happens, it doesn't mean the baby is gone - but I don't think I'm one of those lucky people. I'm generally a lucky person, but not when it comes to bleeding in pregnancy. I didn't bleed with either of my boys. I remember the bleeding with the miscarriage though. Saying goodbye to what could have been. The hormonal shit-storm that followed and the need to do something positive to turn something so horrendous into a better experience. That's when I handed in my notice and booked a trip around the world. I can't do that this time. I'm nearly 8 years older for a start with little people I'm responsible for. I have to smile for them. 

Right now I don't feel like I'll ever smile again. I know, I know, see how tomorrow goes. Then I can say goodbye properly. Maybe I'll shock the hell out of myself and everything will be fine. 

Who the hell knows. 

Smile to warm the world

The world has never been a safe place. The problem is now we all know it. You can’t turn on the TV in the morning without being presented with a world of fear and hate. Shootings of black men. Retaliation shootings of police officers.

I have a beautiful baby boy and I want him to grow up in a world full of love and support. Why should colour matter? It doesn’t. We are all different, whatever colour we are. And conversely, as we are all different we are therefore all the same. Perfectly flawed and therefore perfectly human. Imperfectly perfect.

Hug a human. Hug each other. Or if you’re not into invading personal space, just a smile. A hello. Warm up your facial expressions and you warm up the world, just a little. But your smile can warm someone’s day, and in turn that warmth may entice them to warm up someone else’s day, and exponentially it will grow to create a more supportive nation, a more tolerant world.

Whoever you are, I love you. I love that one day you may meet my son and warm his day with your smile, even if just in passing. I hope he and you will be free to wander the globe and that you may meet in passing. Know that through him he carries my love and devotion, so when he smiles at you, he is passing a little of that to you. Please smile back at him – keep the warmth going, make his day and by doing so, you’ll make mine and hopefully yours.

With hope and affection, go forth and smile.