Smile, even though your heart is breaking.

I'm 8 1/2 weeks pregnant. I also think that I'm experiencing a miscarriage. How am I supposed to feel? I'm 39 years old, I have a good career and I already have two beautiful children. I know I'm lucky and need to count my blessings, but I can also feel my heart breaking. 

The doctor on the phone earlier asked me if this is a wanted baby. Yes, was my only reply. Yes I want this baby. It may have been a surprise at first, but lets be honest, we know how these things happen. If I hadn't wanted this baby my husband and I would have done things differently. For a long time I've felt like I'm not quite done having children. I love my boys so much and know that although a third baby can be a game changer in terms of more kids than hands and the need to get a new car and to put the career plan on hold a little longer...it's, at it's purest, another baby to hold and love, to watch them grow old and hold close with all your heart. 

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at about 10 weeks. It took me a long time to get over that one. In some ways I still haven't. I thought I'd be able to handle it better if it ever happened again, especially now I have two beautiful healthy boys, but, truth be told, it isn't any easier. 

This may be TMI but I am now scared to go to the toilet and look down. Every wipe feels like it's erasing the life that was inside me. A life I so desperately want to hold and take care of. 

If anyone has any words of wisdom, please pass them on. How can I make this hurt less? I have a hospital appointment tomorrow. I have to go alone because of the current Coronavirus situation, as if being alone at this time will be easy because of the environment. Like I'll be able to cope with it better. I won't be able to cope with it. When they put that heartbeat tracker on my abdomen and there's no response I'm going to shatter. 

I've seen stories that this happens, it doesn't mean the baby is gone - but I don't think I'm one of those lucky people. I'm generally a lucky person, but not when it comes to bleeding in pregnancy. I didn't bleed with either of my boys. I remember the bleeding with the miscarriage though. Saying goodbye to what could have been. The hormonal shit-storm that followed and the need to do something positive to turn something so horrendous into a better experience. That's when I handed in my notice and booked a trip around the world. I can't do that this time. I'm nearly 8 years older for a start with little people I'm responsible for. I have to smile for them. 

Right now I don't feel like I'll ever smile again. I know, I know, see how tomorrow goes. Then I can say goodbye properly. Maybe I'll shock the hell out of myself and everything will be fine. 

Who the hell knows. 

Up to now...

Lying on my bed, belly down, I feel different. I'm going to be different. I recently turned 34 and I'm amazed with how things are progressing. My whole life is about to change but the world goes on around us. Do all soon-to-be mothers feel like this?

I'm older and wiser than my teenage self...but I'm pretty sure I'm just as shell-shocked as I would have been had this experience come sooner.

I couldn't have more support around me. My husband has been looking forward to this for a long time (I've been more laissez-faire about the should-we shouldn't we debate) and our families are over the moon. Seriously over the moon and I can't believe how much this baby is already loved and it's not even here yet.

I call it 'It' but maybe I should call it Maximus...that's what my husband has nicknamed it. We don't know if we're having a boy or a girl and we don't plan to find out as we don't mind either way.

My first trimester has passed without me even showing or puking at work. I had a few quizzical looks at work about the quick-succession of doctors appointments I had (I booked in to see a doctor in week 10, she booked me in with the midwife in week 12, the midwife nearly had a heart-attack when she realised how far gone I was and only seeing her for the first time, so she booked me in straight away for my first scan which took place in week 13), but I managed to pass it off as back-ache.

It was strange sitting at my desk however, year-end audits going on and the office a flurry of activity, when all I could think was..."I'm knackered, nauseous and feeling a whole lot of 'is this really happening in me'" when I couldn't say anything to anyone around me.

I've miscarried in the past, at around 9 weeks, so I wanted to wait at least until the scan until telling anyone. I'll never forget lying on the hospital bed, waiting for the baby to appear on the screen, all the time thinking..."There's nothing there! I bloody knew I made all this up!" After all, no one tests you before your scan. The doctor and midwife relied on my word...the only thing that made me have faith was the fact that my 6 pregnancy tests were positive (I really wanted to make sure it was real!).

So...up to now...it's all systems go. The scan was a wonderful experience. Maximus was writhing around so much we got to see his brain, arms and legs and the picture we have of him/her shows an extremely clear spine. Strong back-bone our kid. I'm at low-risk of downs syndrome and so far my blood tests etc have all come back normal.

And me? Now the nausea has gone, I feel pretty good but am much more inclined to go to bed earlier than my 11pm standard...as for dreams and cravings....I'll update on those soon.